The Kids

The Kids

I have the cutest, most amazing, most awful children ever. 

My daughter, Amalia, has the most gorgeous, curly hair, with natural blonde hi-lights, oval face, bright blue eyes, and the most annoying habit of correcting adults...And usually being right.

One time, at a kid’s birthday party, another adult said,

"...he reminded me of the penguins in Toy Story 3!"

Amalia immediately chimed in with "Actually, actually, it was Toy Story 2!!"

You know what makes it worse?  She was totally right...

Sometimes, when my wife and I are trying to talk, Amalia will increase her volume, be it in song, play, or chant.  But she doesn't do it dramatically.  Its little by little...Decibel by decibel...Until my wife and I are shouting at each other, just to be heard.  I'm convinced Heather (wife) and I have actually started arguments simply because we ended up having to shout over her.

Amalia plans it.  Or, she has the most keen, predator-like instincts of any animal I've ever known.

Amalia has an amazing memory.  It is so heartwarming to hear her recite a bible verse, or recall a favorite song lyric.  She can watch any Pixar movie and let you know the scene that is coming next.  It is so cute. 

But then...the steel trap becomes a curse. 

"Dad!  You said we would go to the park."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, yes.  Two days ago, when we were eating dinner, you said if the weather was nice on Saturday, maybe you would take us to the park!"

Dang it.

She was standing by my side of the bed, waiting until I woke up Saturday morning to spring that on me. 

She stalks.  Then she pounces.

She's five.

One time, I went out on the deck to bring in her for lunch, and she was completely naked.  And there was a large dump on the duck. 

"Amalia!  Did you go potty on the deck?!?!"

"Yeah!"  matter of fact-ly.  "I had to go!"

"Why didn't you go in the bathroom?"

"I dunno."

But, somewhere, in the twisted reality that is her mind, I think she did know.  And I think she planned it out. 

I think one day I will find a little, creepy, pink diary in her room that proves my point:

"April 12th, 2010.  Phase three of plan "deck dump" is in full effect.  I asked Mother for some Raisin Bran before bed, and she obliged.  My stomach is already gurgling with that sweet, sweet cramp of victory!"

Amalia can charm anyone she meets.  She is so verbal, and really enjoys meeting people.  I see right through her charade.  That's how she wins you over.  It’s like the snake that sinks his venom into you, then waits for you to feel a little woozy.  Next? He swallows you whole. 

Amalia has a younger brother, Liam.

Liam is the quintessential boy.  He is adorable.  He wants kisses on his cheeks.  He likes to run, he likes to be held.  He's two. He is also a monster.  Not like Godzilla.  Like Charlize Theron. 

He has this way of coming on slowly, and you don’t realize he's a threat until its too late.

Chase his sister around the living room, making dinosaur noises?  Hilarious!  Everyone, continue enjoying yourselves!

But, after 30 minutes, and his outright determination to actually capture, eviscerate, and consume his sister, we realize only too late that he cannot be stopped.

It’s like being pursued by a bunch of zombies.  They're too slow, you think.  I can easily get away. But their dim-witted refusal to give up will over power you. 

Liam wears you away, like water over stone.  I'm the Grand Canyon to his Colorado River.  I have no defense.  It's only a matter of time. 

He has his moments.  Like, when Mickey Mouse says "Do you want to play with Pluto?" on the TV, and he shakes his shaggy haired, giant melon of head in the affirmative, and says "Pwuto!"

It melts your heart. 

Then, after 4 failed attempts to get him down for a nap, and his unbelievable talent for screaming "Pwuto!" at full blast for 45 minutes, and I really start to wonder if its all just a sick, twisted game to them.

Liam has a younger sister, Rose.

Rose is perfect.  She has the most amazing disposition, she is so calm, and she is way beyond her 3 months in terms of development.  That's what scares me. 

Is she already making her move?  Is there an ulterior motive?  Are they all in cahoots?

Amalia knows something, but she isn't telling.  There is a master plan, and we have let her build an army.

True story:  When my wife was pregnant with Rose, Amalia kept insisting that we were going to have a girl.

"But Amalia, what if it’s a boy?” I would say, trying to prepare her.

"Well, what if it's a girl?"

I couldn't argue with her. 

She even went as far as trying to name her.

"It's gonna be a girl, and we are going to call her Rosy!!"

We would deflect these comments.  "We don’t know if it’s going to be a girl," we would say.  "We aren't going to call her Rosy..."

Then...yep.  It's a girl.

And then, "hey, you know what, Rose is a really nice name..."

It's like she knew all along. 

This terrifies me.

I keep peeking in on them while they sleep, expecting to see glowing, red cyborg eyes staring back at me.  I picture them tapping into the mainframe to recharge every night.  Reboot their systems, get updated programming, and prepare to execute "operation destroy parents spirits" the next day.

Hope is lost for Amalia and Liam.  They have gone over to the dark side.  One the surface, we still have Rose...But my fear is she will soon join the rebellion forces.

help me.